Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
