watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
