how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
