I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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