She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
