I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize