its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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