that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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