I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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