Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
