just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
