So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
