Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
