sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
