I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
