I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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