You're my little dorito
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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