God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
