why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
