It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
