I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she told me i tasted like america
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
