i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
