Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
