Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
