Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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