im gay
i know
yea but for you.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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