I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
