Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
