Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
