watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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