I can text with my tongue
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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