Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
