Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
