Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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