he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
These tits shall not be calmed
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
