I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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