I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I look better un-naked...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
