I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize