Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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