so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
