I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
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