dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
