Old men and throwing up are my life now.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
