We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
