I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
