he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
