hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
