im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
