My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You are the jesus of drinking
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
