Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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