Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
