sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
