LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
