I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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