Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
