haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
