Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
