I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
